We are all on drugs....

Sorry...lots of travel and the holidays but I want to catch up so...

Thursday, Novenber 20th, 2008

Today Jake and I go in for Orientation where one of the nurses basically gives you the low down on how the next 8 months of your life are going to play out and we go over the results from the lab work from a few weeks ago.  Basically I chack out OK but there will be more tests later due to my "advanced maternal age".  I already hate those words.  But I am shocked when she says, "You tested positive for opiates." then pauses while waiting for my response.

"Whaaaaaaaaa??"

Brief history lesson here.  Dad's a retired narc.  If I was doing drugs I'd have been dead a long time ago because he would have killed me.  Further, my mom is a NICU nurse.  30+ years of visiting mom at work and seeing babies born addicted to drugs would sober anyone.  Not that any of this matters.  I bought into Nancy Reagan's "Just Say No." campaign in the fourth grade.  My blood couldn't be any cleaner, or so I thought.

Remembering that my blood was drawn by someone in a Minnie Mouse costume, I'm like: "There's no way.  Maybe there's a mix up.  Look there are a million Maria Gonzalez's out there.  Are you sure I'm not being confused with someone else?" 

So she checks again and, nope, no mix up.  That's my file.

I look at Jake and I'm just flabbergasted.  I'm like, "I have NO idea." And really, I don't.  

So the nurse, who I can tell thinks I'm lying, starts going through a laundry list of possibilities.  "Antibiotics? Morphine? Heroin?" 

Nope  Nope  and Nope.  And with each passing word I can tell.  She really DOES think I'm lying.  Guess decades of this would cause me to think so too but right now this is almost causing me to have a panic attack.  I'm getting jittery and tripping over my words, which I'm sure doesn't help my case any.  So the list ends and she starts it again hoping I guess to jar a memory or something. 

"Antibiotics?  Pain Killers?"  No.  I haven't been sick or to a doctor lately.  

"Morphine?" No.  And didn't this go out of style with Wild Bill Hickok anyway?

But then comes the kicker.  Remember that old SNL skit with Danay Carvey, the Church Lady?  Where the punch line was "Um, could it be...SATAN?!!!???!!"  This is the EXACT tone - not a question, a condemnation - she puts on when she peers over her glasses with pursed lips and asks again...

"Um....could it be...HEROIN???!!!???!!"

And then I start to laugh from the sheer absurdity of it all.  

"No."  I say again.  Failing in any way to convince her.  Then finally, Jake (my Prince) comes to my rescue.  "Hon?  What was it the dentist prescribed you a few weeks ago?"  

Ah....that's right.  I was thinking along the lines of being sick and going to the doctor.  I forgot that my dentist had attempted (and failed) to extract a wisdom tooth a few weeks back.  So she sent me home after 15 minutes of pulling with a scrip for Tylenol with Codine which I took for 5 days, even though I swear it did nothing for the pain.  I think my mind must have blocked the whole experience out, it was so painful. That was the same week I went to get my blood work done.  Duh.  

So we explain all this to the nurse who, very professionally, just makes a note in my file and sends up on our way with a ton of pamphlets and samples and stuff.  

Moral of the story kids:  Don't do drugs.